Organisms don't change in order to survive. They survive because they change.

And so, the sem-break has gotten the best of me, turning me into a half-bum in between logging on Facebook every half-hour and beating the highest score for Typing Maniac(Bwahahahaha! Evil Laugh!), sneaking Nagaraya from the kitchen snack stash very few minutes, getting the Features Article together, advance-reading on Anatomy and researching on Philippine Silver Screen movies that Sophomores can handle and give justice with a bang to! I have to change something about my currently bum-mode if I want to live through the second semester in one piece! With all my goals? Well...

Please excuse the circular manner of my entry. The topics jump from one to another. There is no connection or transition from paragraph to paragraph, although there is flow and continuity. So, here it goes. :)

I spent a good six hours at the computer, multi-tasking, but never really getting anything done. It's my own fault that I can't stop checking my FB account for... anything! However, I did accomplish something just yesterday, which was, beating Kuya Van, Kuya Gelo and Joey (with scores of 290.644, 299.843, and 396.371 respectively) at Typing Maniac, with the evily evil score of 369.919! Yes, the difference between Joey's score and mine is fractionally just a fraction (excuse me for being circular). But still!

Joanna, Vicson, and Jethro, very strong-minded and analytic writers, survived (they survived!) their practical exam yesterday. I could only text these bright and hard-working kids when they were nearly in tears: "Work your blood-lossing hardest at it, even if the results don't always conform with what you want, because, that is the right thing to do, because you've been through worse and there is worse to come, and because there will always be other opportunities." I love these kids, who are also my colleagues; I missed them dearly when I texted them the condensed form of that cheesy line and I miss them now. I'm glad I got to chat with Jo yesterday about water dispensers, laundry, zebroids, mules, zonkeys, and Hybridz, who I also miss.

My Mkule colleague and friend EJ was cast as one of the eight leading roles last 2007 in A. Solito's indie Pisay the Movie, the fact of which prompted me to research on it while FB-ing. I found the trailer, the Pisay site, and where on this Planet I can get a copy. The DVD is not being pirated and circulated like our more familiar recent movies, rather , copies can be bought at the Philippine Science QC Foundation office at five hundred pesos. I feel guilty and regretful that I didn't join the MCFam when Edge brought a copy to the office to watch last semester(or was that an episode of Goin'?). Now, I must suffer contentedly with the awesome trailer ("You are nothing but a unicellular, protozoan amoeba!" and "Who ken tell me what a hyputesis is?") until I can go to Pisay for a copy.

I finally downloaded Cats the Musical yesterday evening. I wonder if I can learn something from it. Also, I got The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros into my laptop with Cats. I am hyper and happy!

Although I frequently scanned the illustrations and the text of my new Anatomy book, Body Atlas, in awe when I bought it, I'm eager to study it again and again now. Ok. So I may not know much at the moment, and most of what I know, either everyone else knows or has something--- a lot of things--- missing, much like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle. No matter how hard or complicated it will be tomorrow, I'll never get tired of repeating, "Challenge yourself. Beat your own expectations!" Anatomy this semester, Neuro-anatomy next semester! Fight!

From the relayed experiences of the juniors, seniors, and alumni, I conclude that life in my college is not unlike a struggle for life and death. When I myself become a junior, I will be heaped with responsibilities, a bursting cocoon of academic pressure, greater institutional expectations, and such.

I will be staying at Adriatico 3 next year by myself as my sibling will be a senior high school student in our hometown, the thought of which, not only wowed, but also, shook me with anticipation. I have to be responsible for the unit, from the neatness, to the cleanliness, to the appliances, and my schedule and duties.

I am sharing a room with a junior of the same course as me. I've glanced the charts, the endless stream of handouts and presentations, the tears and frustration that the juniors in generally face, the practical exams involving finger gloves, bite blocks and counters, and the organizational responsibilities. I promised my self to enjoy Sophomore year before I face all that and more with an iron heart.

Coupled with my academic responsibilities are my institutional commitments. I can't leave TMC; I love it too much and I do believe in serving the students, and the underlying principles I have learned with my MCFam. I have learned with my batch-mates some, and I have yet to learn a lot. I will fulfill that statement I made to Ate Moe at my re-interview! "I will allow myself to be rendered tired stressed from working for the institution and studying for school work."

I have a Features Article I must continue to write after I finish this blog entry. The rules? Choose from the topics or pick your own topic. Sit down, read, research, analyze, write, edit, re-edit. E-mail to Kuya Clark. Then, to the workshop! There's one more rule. No consulting the Editor.

While at the meeting discussing this, I said jokingly to Yong, "It's like preparing us for what's to come. Dahil graduate na si Kuya next year!". We chuckled about the fact, Yong being Yong, me being me, and Mai--- I can't remember if Ate Mai was there or not! Gasp! Yes, Ate May-May was there.

Kuya Clark, Kuya Star, Kuya Will, Ate Moe, Ate Marianne, Kuya Janno, and the rest. I'm sincere and honest when I say I'm kind of anxious about what will happen when all these great people graduate. We will certainly miss them. T_T Then, TMC will be in our hands, the hands of the still-learning and the currently-less-experienced. I think we have to learn all we can before TMC is left with us. There's a semester left for us to do our best. So, I'll do my part for the team and get to it! We will survive together. :)

I watched Yong's, Ehcel's and EJ's stage plays for their PhilArts 120 (was it 120?) two weeks ago. These three were all great. Yong was recognized as best supporting actor. He did a very energetic impression of a live scarecrow, not to mention that, if he wasn't a healthy young man, he would have done a convincing child with quadriplegic cerebral palsy. Ehcel was a narrator, a cute rain drop! Jethro can testify to that, he was with me and Ate Betty when we watched the plays. The professor said that EJ was meant for his role. I won't say much here, but I will say that Edge got best actress. My lips are now sealed! XD

Another play I'd spank myself for not blogging about is A Streetcar named Desire. My block did just great. Although I'm not the only person who recognizes the fact that we indeed have a lot more to learn about plays and teamwork in general, I'm really very proud to have worked with my block mates for this play! We all accomplished something together. It's as simple as that, but so much more.

Since my entry is now really long, I'll add this last bit about the college talent show. My block got the theme Pinilakang Tabing. Yes, the Philippine Silver screen. I was thinking of consulting Ate Pal for this, but the block has already come up with some great ideas, such as Ang Huling El Bimbo. Yes, the music video by Aurelio Solito which won internationally in 1996. It's do-able, it's well-known, it's set in the late fifties, it needs only a few props. It will make the fifteen-minute cut the rules require! However, the block only has two boys. Ely and his guys make four. I'm still thinking how the team will arrange this if El Bimbo pushes through. I think we can do better if we move far from the topic of 50's commercials, which is why I am researching on Anak Dalita.

Anak Dalita starred Rosa Rosal and Tony Santos, Sr. in 1958. The setting: the village of survivors in ruins of the Manila Cathedral after the bombing of Manila (circular!). We can make the fifteen-minute cut if we cut the story until the death of the mother...Long story. But condensible. Will work a lot on technicality to bring the stage to life. Requires really the effort of the cast, like times so and so from Streetcar. El Bimbo na nga lang! XDDD We'll talk about this when we get back. We'll do great, whatever happens. :)

We will survive.

As I type this, the faces of my MKule family and my block-mates pass in front of my visual field.

I end this long and winding entry with something from Pisay:

"Organisms don't change in order to survive. They survive because they change."

Everything You are Not

Firstly, you are not a half-wit. You are intelligent. You are not a failure. You are being challenged. You are not only a dreamer. You a doer and you can do something to make a difference. Do it because you can. You are not weak. You are as strong as you want yourself to be. You are kind, now you have to be kind. You are not going to give up easily. You are going to do everything you can, to do what you have to, not because you have to, but because you want to. It is all in you. Sometimes, it may seem like it is only you: you are not alone. There are people you can ask help from, you just have to know who to trust. And when you find them, pass this on and be the change.

Then I am Left Empty

After embracing that blissful feeling of some non-existent rationale a few times in this life, and subsequently releasing that feeling quite passively, I never thought that I would be able to grasp it again. It is described as surprising bouts of cheerfulness, bubbly bouts of happiness and unending reels of confidence in the face of challenge. With the knowledge that this feeling does not remain in a person's emotional range for long, I am prepared to face it and allow it to pine when the time comes.

Where does it originate? Where does it go?

I think that the answers are, like those to the endless stream of questions out there, objective. I think mine originated in the heart of a human, whose great intelligence and deep philosophical personality caught my attention. In times of modern principle where principle becomes radical enough to mask propriety and liquefy face, a human who possesses great intelligence, a deep philosophical personality, and a very pure and true heart is quite rare.

I value intelligence to the extent that I used to deem myself unworthy of discourse with those more intelligent than I am. I value personality to the extent that the less a person exhumes about his personality while performing the role of the leader simultaneously, the more respect I have for them, for their quiet and resilient ways, for the unspoken words that when they are spoken, they contribute to impact on my own personality greatly. I value heart to the extent that I am torn when that pure and true heart teaches me something regarding character, honor that obviously, and seemingly resides in front of me every time I attempt to look. Saying all this, I now know several of the reasons why I have been quite the confident individual lately.

When faced with a human as rare as that, I submit to embrace the blissful and confident feeling so fully that the philosophy books cannot completely justify how this comes about. That is where my blissful feeling comes from.

In the moments when the events of discoursing with a rare individual occur to me quite naturally, I find myself surprised that my blood refuses to river slowly. I find myself surprised when, where I should be structuring my life span to fit into the activities of the hour, my mind ponders on words that person said or on the minute, negligible, yet verily rare acts of eager kindness that person made possible. When I face the cavalry of knowledge yet to be acquired, I think of that person and how they remain eager and thirsty eternally for knowledge. Then, my blood calms down to a steady current, my mind becomes eager to learn for its sake, and I feel the need to become a kinder person, whose face cannot be threatened by apathy for learning. In that moment, I think of that person whose rarity and somehow minute manners influence me greatly and continually. In that moment, I thank the Supreme Being for making that person among the rare, the incredibly intelligent, the softly humble, the surprising in character and principle.

This feeling of bliss lasts at an average of a year, or for so long as that person is visible and concrete. It deteriorates in the absence of this honorable catalyst, it evaporates as tears of pining fall, one by one, it makes my heart swell then shrink all of a sudden. Eventually, in the absence of all source of inspiration, this feeling subsides. Then I am left empty.

A Memo of Good-bye to a Former Self

To everyone I hold as part of my heart,

Not too long from now, I'll be going away... from everything I know. I'm one of those whose paths are written in the twilight. God gave me one star to follow, my guide and my light. So, what did I do with my destiny?

I chose to put it aside. I covered it, I didn't care if I lost sight of it or not. Then... I broke apart from all the good I ever knew. I turned down myself, everyone, and the Supreme Being. My mouth went ahead of my head and heart. And I forgot that people need people to be with. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't smile... not for real, at the least. Still, I went rotten. As bad as they come. As the poets say, "I fell down into the shadows... and I couldn't find the light."

So now, I know I'm leaving for good. I hope that whoever takes my place will be better than I ever was. I promise, I'm sending someone to take care of you guys. That someone?

The new me...
Won't know same in the right light of way...
Won't know how, how to tell you the things that shatter you from withing...
Won't ever forget you, about the time we spent, the nothings we did and cherish...

Who ever's coming walks in my footsteps, just know that, who ever that is will follow the star we share together.

If you ever forget, if you ever fall on my trodden path, just remember:
No matter how darkness' power deepens, there will always be a light.

Just follow it. You'll see.

-Amaranth Kuraudo