Saturday, March 28, 2009

Everything You are Not

Firstly, you are not a half-wit. You are intelligent. You are not a failure. You are being challenged. You are not only a dreamer. You a doer and you can do something to make a difference. Do it because you can. You are not weak. You are as strong as you want yourself to be. You are kind, now you have to be kind. You are not going to give up easily. You are going to do everything you can, to do what you have to, not because you have to, but because you want to. It is all in you. Sometimes, it may seem like it is only you: you are not alone. There are people you can ask help from, you just have to know who to trust. And when you find them, pass this on and be the change.

Then I am Left Empty

After embracing that blissful feeling of some non-existent rationale a few times in this life, and subsequently releasing that feeling quite passively, I never thought that I would be able to grasp it again. It is described as surprising bouts of cheerfulness, bubbly bouts of happiness and unending reels of confidence in the face of challenge. With the knowledge that this feeling does not remain in a person's emotional range for long, I am prepared to face it and allow it to pine when the time comes.

Where does it originate? Where does it go?

I think that the answers are, like those to the endless stream of questions out there, objective. I think mine originated in the heart of a human, whose great intelligence and deep philosophical personality caught my attention. In times of modern principle where principle becomes radical enough to mask propriety and liquefy face, a human who possesses great intelligence, a deep philosophical personality, and a very pure and true heart is quite rare.

I value intelligence to the extent that I used to deem myself unworthy of discourse with those more intelligent than I am. I value personality to the extent that the less a person exhumes about his personality while performing the role of the leader simultaneously, the more respect I have for them, for their quiet and resilient ways, for the unspoken words that when they are spoken, they contribute to impact on my own personality greatly. I value heart to the extent that I am torn when that pure and true heart teaches me something regarding character, honor that obviously, and seemingly resides in front of me every time I attempt to look. Saying all this, I now know several of the reasons why I have been quite the confident individual lately.

When faced with a human as rare as that, I submit to embrace the blissful and confident feeling so fully that the philosophy books cannot completely justify how this comes about. That is where my blissful feeling comes from.

In the moments when the events of discoursing with a rare individual occur to me quite naturally, I find myself surprised that my blood refuses to river slowly. I find myself surprised when, where I should be structuring my life span to fit into the activities of the hour, my mind ponders on words that person said or on the minute, negligible, yet verily rare acts of eager kindness that person made possible. When I face the cavalry of knowledge yet to be acquired, I think of that person and how they remain eager and thirsty eternally for knowledge. Then, my blood calms down to a steady current, my mind becomes eager to learn for its sake, and I feel the need to become a kinder person, whose face cannot be threatened by apathy for learning. In that moment, I think of that person whose rarity and somehow minute manners influence me greatly and continually. In that moment, I thank the Supreme Being for making that person among the rare, the incredibly intelligent, the softly humble, the surprising in character and principle.

This feeling of bliss lasts at an average of a year, or for so long as that person is visible and concrete. It deteriorates in the absence of this honorable catalyst, it evaporates as tears of pining fall, one by one, it makes my heart swell then shrink all of a sudden. Eventually, in the absence of all source of inspiration, this feeling subsides. Then I am left empty.

A Memo of Good-bye to a Former Self

To everyone I hold as part of my heart,

Not too long from now, I'll be going away... from everything I know. I'm one of those whose paths are written in the twilight. God gave me one star to follow, my guide and my light. So, what did I do with my destiny?

I chose to put it aside. I covered it, I didn't care if I lost sight of it or not. Then... I broke apart from all the good I ever knew. I turned down myself, everyone, and the Supreme Being. My mouth went ahead of my head and heart. And I forgot that people need people to be with. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't smile... not for real, at the least. Still, I went rotten. As bad as they come. As the poets say, "I fell down into the shadows... and I couldn't find the light."

So now, I know I'm leaving for good. I hope that whoever takes my place will be better than I ever was. I promise, I'm sending someone to take care of you guys. That someone?

The new me...
Won't know same in the right light of way...
Won't know how, how to tell you the things that shatter you from withing...
Won't ever forget you, about the time we spent, the nothings we did and cherish...

Who ever's coming walks in my footsteps, just know that, who ever that is will follow the star we share together.

If you ever forget, if you ever fall on my trodden path, just remember:
No matter how darkness' power deepens, there will always be a light.

Just follow it. You'll see.

-Amaranth Kuraudo